For the Love of Love.

I'm guilty of treating love like a sport.

We weren't on the same team, it was like me against him and the world were the referees and I swear they were getting paid to help him win. If I cried, point for him. If he gave me some bullsh*t apology, point fo me. This game didn't have rounds, or endings, or quarters, it had years! At the end of the year I would tally up the points, if he was winning I would do everything in my power to make sure he stayed in my life, becuase I loved him of course, but also because I couldn't let him beat me at my own game.

There was no way I did all that crying and craziness to lose. This game wasn't going to be over until I got my ring. I was like a little kid, I wanted to win and we were going to play until I won. Then once I won I knew I wouldn't want to play anymore. However, I kept losing and just to stay in the game, I started to settle. Instead of a ring, I was content with a trophy, a trophy was too much so I agreed to a medal, the medal was plastic, I think he got it from the Dollar Tree, and it wasn't long before he started rewarding me in gum and it wasn't the Trident Three Layers gum either.

I was losing myself in the game and I didn't care. The progress I was making was so miniscule that it became irrelevant. By this point I had convinced myself that being in the game was enough. It wasn't. I had injury after heartbreak, after injury after heartbreak and I was still losing. I didn't give up though. My motto was, "it's all about the W!"

One day, in year three I stopped in the middle of the field, looked around, and realized he was gone. I was playing this game by myself and only God knows for how long.
I called him like, "Where you at?". He was like, "huh? I can't hear you. My phone's dying I'ma call you back!".

Everyday for three years I put blood, sweat, and tears on the field all in the name of love. A love that threw the towel in when I wasn't paying attention. He quit.

Then the other day God just randomly said to me, "you know all that playing wasn't in vain, right?" and I'm thinking to myself how can God say it wasn't in vain, when there were times my heart was literally aching from exhaustion? Trying not to question God, becuase he was the coach, I decided to go back to the playbook, the Bible, to see what he was talking about. I found a few things but his point was still a little blurry, so I went to the study room, church, to watch some old game film, sermons. Things were starting to come together. I noticed angels were on the field with me the entire time and the competition didn't quit, he was asked to leave. God pulled him to the side and told him, "young man you aren't a worthy opponent and though she's losing now I'm preparing her for a major comeback".

I didn't win the love of a man and I was content. It came together like a puzzle, I'm on the field, alone, giving the game my all, but no visible opponent, why? God had me play myself to love myself.

Every now and then the competition calls me up, talking about he want a rematch and his head wasn't in the game those three years. Instead of consulting my coach, I've taken him up on his offer a few times. I started to think what if I get caught up in this game again? Am I going to suffer again? God taught me how the game is played and I decided I'm ready to retire until a worthy opponent comes along. No ring is worth my dignity and plus nothing could compare to the prize I got the first time I around.

I love me some me and I have the best coach money can't buy, God. As for the competition, he's still playing the game. I've seen him on Sport Center's Not Top 10 a few times.

no title.

I had already had this written, then I decided it wasn't neccesary to post, but however do to recent events on Twitter, I've changed my mind. The level of "pansy-ness" was at an all time high last night.

Males on Twitter who tweet things such as, "I'm such a sap", "my idea of a romantic date, blah, blah, blah", or "being a hopeless romantic>" for example, are GAY! & it becomes very hard to believe other wise when you're tweeting such "b*tch-made" things. Any male who has ever tweeted in this manner I don't take seriously & when I say I don't take them seriously I mean there is no way I find you attractive even if I once did. Stuff lke that is a major turn off! I honestly get naseous when I see it.

I personally feel no man should be confortable with expressing those type of emotions on a social network for the public to see. They seem, ummm what's the word, thirsty. That's a female trait, unless you've mastered a way to get paid for it.

I prefer my men "social networkless" if possible & yeah I know EVERYONE has a Facebook so I don't sweat that, but if you're tweeting lonely thoughts at one in the morning, I can't help but question your manhood. Twitter is obviously used more by the masses, so you're not gay if your account is in someway helping you make money, you tweet ignorant sh*t, talk sports, or music lyrics (but the lyrics can't be from like a Beyonce song. If you do so, I'm back to thinking you're gay). This is kinda the only way to be "manly" on here, becuase I don't really think grown men should be caught up in Twitter anyways, but since majority of my male followers are getting a college education, you get a pass. Anything other than what I just defined as an acceptable tweet needs to be gone from my TL. Yeah girls may comment with stuff like "THIS" or "!!!" but I bet they won't f*ck you and if they will it's only because secretly they're bisexual and always wondered what it would be like to have relations with a girl. No not everything is about sex, but then again it kind of is. I feel that's the main point of male/female interaction. Communication starts between the opposite sex becuase one is attracted to the other or in some cases both are attrached.

Oh & FYI, if I call you gay, I don't really think you like men, unless you display reoccuring tendancies of making me believe other wise. I just think what you're doing in the moment isn't very manly. It's cool to have emotions and everyone gets lonely, I guess, just don't show it in such a b*tch made manner. My opinion of a male is based off of what my father would or wouldn't do and he definately wouldn't portray himself as a no kitty cat getting, soft a**, lonely black man. I like a true down south Georgia boy not some tissue papaer male.

However I'm aware that my thoughts could be completely far fetched and yes they're quite judgemental so maybe no other females think this way. However, I don't care, when I see a man not living up to his full potential of manly-ness, I cringe. I'm honestly worried about some of my male followers and if you're gay it's cool to come out of the closet it's 2011. No seriously though, just man up and say some ignorant coon sh*t and I promise it will have a better effect on the ladies. You'll get attention AND you'll get laid...but if that's HONESTLY who you are an it isn't an "attention getting" strategy then do you & I'm sure one day your soul mate will RT you and y'all will fall madly and deeply in love and live happily ever after.

The Point of it All

I've never had a summer love, but one summer I did have a summer lust. It was the summer of '09. I had no worries, well I'm sure I did but they didn't matter. I think I had a boyfriend then, I can't remember, but whatever, that was my moment to be free. I had just turned 18 the winter before and I was ready to LIVE. That summer I laughed until I cried. I did what I wanted to, I didn't care. There's probably still some consequences I have to face because of that summer. Sometimes I smile at the thought of my life then.

Everyday wasn't perfect but I was happy. I haven't been happy like that in a while. Maybe becuase lately I focus so much on doing what others think is right or what society will accept. I had a certain lust for life back then, I want it back.

Growing up can be hard and in the process you get caught up in looking for love and acceptance from people that could really careless about you. We stress to get a degree even though we probably won't have a job after graduation. We compromise who we are for love or at least what we think is love. Too many have lost themselves in what's "right" it wouldn't hurt them to do a little "wrong". You need to lust a little every now and then.

I wanna live like there's no tomorrow, shop like everything is going out of style, and hell even dance in the rain. I want to do what isn't expected of me sometimes. I think I'll "grow up" next year. I'll be 21 but until then I feel like I have a few more, "she's so f*cking childish" I can get out of spectators. I'm honest with myself, I'm not rushing this grown up thing. I don't have kids, never been to jail, I pay majority of my own bills, I'm still in school(which is a major accomplishment because I think college is overrated), and my parents are proud of me. I really could careless what anyone else thinks.

Love. Been there done that. I'll try it again next lifetime, but this lifetime, this summer, I want to do everything that's suppose to be bad because it makes me feel good.

Lust. The blind energy in the human existence. Something like the Roman word "lustrum", meaning purification.

This summer I'm unveiling my blind energy. Purifying my existence.

curiosity.

Ever wonder what it's like to love with all your heart but never receive any in return?
To smile through the storm despite the thunder and lightening you heard?
and why continue to give when all they do is take?
Does he know you can't be replaced?
I wonder if he ever thought to consider your pain,
if he ever saw the tears you tried to hide or feel the love you couldn't disguise?
What if he never meant anything he said, then would that mean all your love was in vain?
What if he were me, and I were him,
and I lied, cheated, and disrespected him?
What if I contaminated his mind, body, soul only to leave it there lying in the cold?
Oh, but what about when that girl you played becomes something great, will that be your biggest mistake?
You know she really loved you with all her heart, do you ever ask yourself,
"damn why wasn't I smart, and treated her how she should be treated insted of being the worst lesson she was ever taught,
& loved her like she couldn't be bought or apologize since I don't say sorry?
I'm sure that would ease her heart,
& when that baby was a maybe why didn't I make her feel like a lady,
even though we wasn't ready?"
You always said being in love with you will make her stronger,
trust me it did and she knows her worth despite the feelings she harbored.
Aye, but did you hear about her new man?
I hear he sexin' her better than you can,
& loving lovin' her better than you did,
& giving all that he can give!
nah, there's no new man, but I bet you got nervous for a minute ,
regrets started to fill your head but you will never admit it.
I spoke with her the other day and she wated me to tell you this,
"I could bash you, but I got my serenity back
even though I could never get my virginity back.
I thank you.
I'm better because of you. I love harder because of you. I smile because of you.
I laugh because of you. I still love you but I am through. I'm wiser because of you, even less selfish because of you. I lost some of me in you but it's okay because I know God isn't through.
If you want maybe you'll be blessed with a second chance to do what you didn't do because I meant what I said I will always love you, but lately I've been thinking I'm ready to replace you.
Like you say, God willing,
but until then I win you, you lose".
Curiosity filled her head so she asked me to write about you <3.